Fear and over indulgence

Why do we overindulge? Why do we take more than we need? Why we eat more then our body can process? Why do we surround ourselves with more things than we can keep track? Why?

Overindulgence leads to state of mental problem, first and then manifests itself in physical disease later.

I am guilty of such things myself. When I first moved to States, I bought into “American Dream” of owning big car, big house, electronics, credit cards, toys, gadgets, and more “shit” than you can possibly accumulate thinking this sure leads to Big Happiness! But, in actuality, it brought me misery because I lost myself, slowly and let others dictate me how to live, what to wear, how to eat, what is good and bad for me. The more things I bought, the more I became anxious, “dependent” on my job to supply me with steady income to continue the “stupidity” that everyone else around me seemed to be doing and called it “normal”. I did not realize that I sold myself into slavery and mental slavery was the worse kind.

You might think that America is free and does not have slavery, wrong! Slavery defines as “state of restricted freedom, control by others, state of captivity, and performance of tasks, job, labor in interests of others.” Slavery happens when we give control to others. Advertisements make it so appetizing, appealing and present everything in such a way its hard to resists “Fast Food”, medicine, tv programs, clothing, music trends, apps and news. But if you question it, do they really represent your best interest or, rather interest and pockets of others, the ones behind the advertisement? Are the food you are eating really good for you? Is the medicine you take really cure you from a disease? Is the popular music really reflects what you want to listen? Is the news really reflect the truth? Is your job really meaningful or just to make money to go on vacation once a year to finally feel like self for 5 days?

And then I realized that the worst form of Slavery was actually me! Its the slavery we create inside our own head! When our own thoughts project very narrow prospect on reality, like a fence, they encircle a tiny backyard beyond which you become blind. You lie to yourself that you are safe inside you protected “special zone” you create in your head, surrounding yourself with same kind who reflect same narrow backyard thinking and everything outside of it you perceive as “foreign”, “weird”, “crazy”, “wild”, or “abnormal”. Things beyond the safe zone brings fear as it is not understood, explored but secretly craved and desired. Because it smells of FREEDOM.

First few years living in States, I gained lots of weight due to poor eating habits, totally giving into “American Diet”, you know, the one, you shove something chemical without reading the label down your throat in a hurry. Like everyone else, I thought, if I get sick, I just go to the hospital, they know what to do. Wow! I just like that I gave control over my health and my body to someone else! Why? Should I know better than doctor? I was lazy not to study and question what I eat. If you a car owner, you would read the label from here to Christmas before you poor the liquid down your expensive car, right? Then why don't you do the same for your own body? But nobody does, I, like everyone else in US seemed to blindly trusted the advertisement, social norms, culture, habits, and never questioned it. Only years later, I realized, Oh Shit, the things I am eating makes me sick, which creates Hospitals, Gyms, therapists, banks, shops, news, TV stations, and gadgets you don't really need. But, as they say, bad choices makes good stories, and great music!

I was craving more sugar to sustain unhealthy energy cycle that I demanded. Shakira’s words: “Hips don't lie” were singing the truth. The body does not lie. The fat folds of overindulgence eventually become visible. My pores clogged up with toxins and It could not breath. I became restless, sluggish and unhappy. Even extreme sports could not bring me enough adrenaline to sustain high energy life I created. Same was with people. I made so many connections and promises that it was humanly impossible for me to help, engage and give my time to all, and so, I slowly started to fail in my promises and obligations, which brought me more feeling of unhappiness and failure. Overindulgence? Absolutely!

In the process of selling my house, I saw with my own eyes the extension of my confused and unfocused inner world. In horror, I was staring at all the things I have accumulated, that I could not possibly use them in three lifetimes! My garage sale looked like Walmart Super Store. Many items were still in boxes, with tags and unused! Overindulgence! Yes, and yes!

In an attempt to escape the life that had no meaning and the job without true passion, emptiness, loss and confusion, I moved to San Francisco. Downsizing my previous big house life into 4 boxes was a true achievement for me and It came with huge struggle, the fight and cry over things I had to let go. But even after that lengthy process of finding the most important things that I thought I could not live without, I realized I still had too much.

The final struggle came to me in Nepal. Packing for 10-day hiking trip up to the base of Mnt Everest scaled me down to the basic of “bare bones” of necessity and survival. Even extra q-tip and past emotions literally felt like a rock at oxygen limiting hight. My guide’s question to me: “You sure want to carry this much weight with you on your journey?” became my premonition.

But, even after a profound experience like this, moving to Mexico and downsizing my life to one bag, as I realized what I need I already have: me, friends, experiences and rest the life provides, I still could not help myself and packed warm hat and a jacket. Why Larissa? In case it snows? Its 80 freaking degrees year around here!

Why do we need to take more than we need? Why do we have the carnal desire to possess? We want to cage, kill, frame, capture, gate, pick, destroy? Why?

Fear and more fear!

Fear that I will run out of pickles tomorrow. Fear I will not be safe. Fear it would snow in Mexico. Fear I would die from cancer so I will smoke twenty more cigarettes. Fear that I will not impress friends if I don't have dead zebra nailed to my wall. Fear I will get cold without twenty sweaters. Fear I would not be loved without makeup. Fear I will not get respect if I don't yell. Fear my country would get attack so I am going to built the the rocket as big as I want my penis wish to be. Fear that the earth and nature would not provide. Every decision we make today are based on Fear!

And the root of our fear is disconnection and mistrust, to self and nature. But nature loves you and accepts you the way you are. It wants to be in harmony. You should love yourself and believe in your great powers of self knowledge. We create fear and pass it down to our children, in their DNA, mixed with food, creating more suffering and unhappiness.

Take only what you need from nature. And if you eat in excess, ask yourself why? Is this because of stress? Then ask yourself why are you stressed? If its a job, then change the job that is aligned with your purpose and brings you happiness. Everything is easy once you change your thinking. Take down your mental barriers, liberate your self from slavery, listen to your body and your soul, become the Owner of your world. This brings so much power than nobody can take it away from you. And then you ll see!

Every morning I walk to the same store to buy one lemon because I believe every day brings a new story and a chance of something beautiful and I don't want to miss it. It brings me true joy in just one lemon and ability to say hi to my new Spanish Abueila. Just trust, be open and listen! Life wants to love you! Don't fear! Love it!